Lost Without Daddy?!?!?!?

This is a very hard subject for me to talk about because every time I think about my father, I just cry....

From what I have hurd from family members, befor I was even thought about, my mom liked having affairs with married men and such. She didn't care where or how she cought her fun as long as it was good. She became pregnant with me 4 years after my elder brother was born. She had told me when she was 7 months pregnant with me that she was no longer my father's mistress. I had asked her why was she a mistress and not married to him. She then told me that she had affair with him because he is married and not happy in the marriage. My mom wanted something more with him and could not have it. He then left her shortly befor I was born to go back to his wife. My mom also told me when I was 3 months old, she showed up at his door with me in her arms and said that he slammed the door in her face saying "that's not my child!!". So then my mom was forced to raise me alone in which if you read my earlier posts, that did not quit happen. Well, to make a long story short, I have no father. He's not even in my birth certificate. Only my mom and my doctor. The part of the certificate that says "father's name" it says "father unknown".. I look at kids when i were younger and wonder what it would be like to have a father. I wonder what it would be like to have a father go on school field trips with me, to have a father at my girl scouts "father daughter" dances.. and things like that. I don't know what it's like to go to the park with my father and have him pushing me on the swing. I don't know what it's like to have my father walk me down the asile when I got married. Hell, I don't even know what it's like to have my mother at my wedding either. Life sucked and I'm sure it will get worse only to get better. Why did my daddy have to deny me and not just admit the fact that he fucked up and had a baby with another woman apart from his wife? It was not my fault so why take it out on me? I don't understand. Will I ever understand? I hate it! I hate it! I HATE IT! I want my daddy!

Not Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to let you know that I did take a pregnancy test like I said on Mother's day and that test came back to be positive. But I still had some kinda doubt in my mind because the time I had sex was not the same time that I would have been able to concieve in that month which is 14 days after the 1st day of my Period. I then decided to take another test the following Tuesday and that test came back negative and I became a little bit confused and thank God that I started my period the next day. I didn't want to be pregnant for the supposed father. Things in his life are such a drama case and did not want that in my life. Expecially that he's married with 2 kids. Anyway, I just thank God that I'm not pregnant for him and everything. I just wanted to let u all know that I'm very excited and happy for my New Found Life!!

Take care and God Bless you ALL!!

Pregnancy Results!

So, on Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and it came back to be positive but I'm not going to hold my breath on it till the ending of the month when I will take the other test to show for sure what I am if I'm going to have another baby or not. However, I did do some research online to see what the baby inside me would look like if at all I were pregnant. From when I had my period, I did the pregnancy calculator online and it said I would be due January 11, 2007. That is making me about 6 weeks pregnant and here is a week look at what the baby looks like this week on a website that I found. http://www.americanbaby.com/ab/pregnancycalendar/week.jhtml?week=6 That is a look at what is going on in my tummy if at all am pregnant. I don't know really what to say about it cos I'm not really happy about it at all. Just something that happened. Enough for now.

Take care and God Bless you ALL.

Pregnant??????

So.. well.. don't know what to say about this topic. All I know is that today is Mothers Day. Happy Mothers' Day to all you mothers and expectant. I have a little boy who will soon be turning 3 years old in July and he's the greatest that has ever happened to me in my life. I love him dearly. Just a huge bundle of joy.

Could it be that I am pregnant again? I'm tired of WAITING on my period again. I missed it for the month of May. I know the month is only half over but I was supposed to have my period around the 6th of the month. Hmmm.. got me wondering. And why are my breast so tender? It didn't happen with my first pregnancy but I know that this is a sign. Only today... I chose to do my Pregnancy test today. I will go to the market and buy a test and take the test yes today. I can't wait till tomorrow for the clinic to open and get it done for free.. and besides I'm too shy for that shit. If I am pregnant, I will be having 2 choices since I do not believe in Abortion, that is just totally out of the question. I have this boyfriend who I'd love to marry in the near future when he's done with school, I can either ask him to take my baby with open arms as his own and adopt it, be the father on record.. or I can simply put it up for adoption. Just don't want to have another baby daddy out there somewhere. So that is that.. just had to speak my mind on this issue a little.. so here in a oh, minute.. I'll go and get the test.. and come back online with the results.

Take care and God Bless you ALL!

Reason why I'm not friends with females....

Greetings ~

Well.. I was too tired to write about yesterday at that time so I'm doing that right now. And tonight, I'll write about today.

Let me start off by saying that I don't have many female friends and if I do, they are African women, NOT americans! I just do not trust American women cos they talk too damn much! I know I'm an American woman myself but I feel more like an African woman on the inside and have the mind set and actions just like they do. Maybe cos most of my life I been around them and 99% of my friends ARE africans! That 1% other friend is who I'm about to talk about now. She is an American woman but I'm not going to say her name cos I know someone reads this who knows her. But anyway, I thought for a while I can trust her with any kind of words that I say to her. Or even that I don't say to her. I don't know if any of you have ever had a friend who made up words about you or anything like that but I just don't know how to handle it. Anyway, I told the gurl that I might be pregnant for someone that I was dating. She said oh ok. And we talked about it if I was happy, if I told him blah blah blah. Well I then was not feeling too good and decided to stay home one day from work. I called her and told her that. But come to find out, she called my expected baby's father and told him that I was in the hospital and had a miscarriage? So he then called me and tried to play it all off smooth and shit trying to say that he did research about me online and that he found some hospital documents saying that I was in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage and they had to clean the womb. He's really full of shit and must think I'm really stupid. First of all, I told him I was not at the hospital and have not been to one since like July 2005!!!!!! He then proceeded to argue with me and tell me that I'm lieing. UM< HELLO.. wouldn't a woman know when last she was in the hospital and what for? I would think so. Anyway.. I have not had a miscarriage this year, that was LAST year!!! So I had to call my so called friend and tell her off and she tried to tell me that she was talking to my supposed baby father that she was talking about another woman and never said my name.. I'm not STUPID hello!!!! Anyway, I just really wanted to end that friendship right there but the gurl has been there FOR ME SO I'm going to give her another chance to be my friend for now. But I will just watch out what kinda words I used around her and all that shit. Can't trust any bitch again. That's y most of my friends are men cos I seem to trust them as in talking to them more than I would any kind of a female.. the bitch might try to black male someone with words that she never said. Anyway, such was yesterday!!!!

Take care and God Bless YOU ALL!!

LIFE: II

So then, where I left off.. Oh yes.. age 19 - 25. Those are kinda like the best years of my life but let me remind you that all that went on in my "earlier" years, I still put myself through highschool and managed to graduate with 1/2 a credit over. That was awesome (i guess)...

When I was 19, I had gotten married. I think it was more of just a "rebound" marriage for losing my first love/fiancee. He and I were supposed to marry October 30, 1998 but he had died a couple weeks earlier. So the following year, I got marriage October 30, 1999... I tried to love the guy and tried to make it work out but low and behold, I came home and found him fucking my then best friend at the time. Totally just hurting the shit out of my heart, I kicked the bitches ass and then went into the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife and held it up to the dude's dick and made the only comment that scared him "for life" (I hope).. I said "let me catch you again bitch"... after that, we went to marriage counceling and tried to make it work out but then the lady came back and told us she is pregnant for him. We ended up getting divorced April 28, 2000. A short marriage but that's ok... Later, I ended up getting married AGAIN but for "contract" reasons. Got married July 19, 2002. Got pregnant with another baby October 2002. Gave birth to that bundle of joy on July 14, 2003. I believe that my baby is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me after the day that I met my FIRST love. Shit happens right? I mean i happened didn't i? (smile).. well now I'm just here.. trying to live life to the fullest which it's kinda hard to do. I'm looking for MR. Right.. but have I found him now? Can it be Olan? Whiplash? Techno.. who???? Let me start by telling you about Olan. He is a really sweet individual who happens to be married with 2 kids but he and his wife are having issues which is better left unsaid online incase someone reads this that might know him... I went to visit him early April and oh.. did i mention I might be pregnant for him? Intereating right? Just waiting to see if I have my period this month or what's up with that?... Then there is Whiplash. Met him sometime ago.. really sweet person as well. There is still alot I do not know about him. I can read him like a book but sometimes the words in the book are too large for me to understand so do I need to put the book down? how about Techno? Who? Nevermind, let me leave him alone! Life.. why does it have to be like this? I'm in love.. with who you ask? you will deffinately know later.

I got to go and see my son this weekend who is living with his dad for right now till I can get up and ON my feet yet once again. It was a really nice meeting I had with my boy. I missed him so fucking much. He's the best ever. I love him truely and I know for sure I will get him back one day. His farther nor I have full cusotdy, we just share him basically. He has him for school year and myself, have him for holidays and such like that. My boy is getting so big. Feels like I just had him some weeks ago but he'll be 3 years old very soon, in July. Oh geez.. what a blessing.

Anyway, enough for now, I will try to update my blog atleast once a day.. maybe in the evenings to let all know what's going on in this borring yet dramamatic life of mines...

Take care and God Bless YOU ALL!

LIFE: I

Well, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done and that is to put a "post" about my life. Atleast noone knows me unless I gave the link to them myself. Lets see what happens.

I'm going to begin from as early as I can remember or the "stories" that family have told me about what went on in my life really!

Just so you all get a ROUGH timeline, I was born October 9, 1980 on the east coast. Don't want to give out too much infos!

Please, when you read my blogs, do not have any pitty for me or what I've gone through in life because I am who I am today because of all the "fuck ups". I choose to write in a blog instead of continueing going to a "shrink". Those bastards do not help really!

As early as I can remember was age 2. But I will start by what my grandmother has told me. She told me that my mom was not a very good mother at all and that when I was like 2 weeks old, my own mother traded me for some drugs and my grandmother had to go and "rescue" me back from the "bad" peoples!.. What a mum huh? I was too young to remember so then I continued on loving my mother. When I was 2, I remember my mom getting married for the first time to my 2 youngest brothers (who were not born yet) father. He seemed nice at first but when my elder brother (who had a different father from me) got into trouble, my step daddy would have my brother drink a whole bottle of hard core liquor. Mind you, my brother was only about 6 - 10 years old in this time frame. And when I got into trouble (ages 2 - 6 years), I had to jump on nut shells (pecan shells) WITHOUT my shoes on and I remember doing that and crying while my brother ran up the stairs of the house vomiting from all the alcohol my step daddy made him drink for being "bad" (or should i say boys will be boys)..

This step daddy I had always touched me in wrong places. Never tried to penetrate though but got kinda close (with fingers). I still remember though. It lasted for many years till I was about oh, 13 years old when he then became a "jail bird" I thought I was free from the molestations of the household! My mom then decided to marry again to the asshole she is still currently married to... this guy believes that he should just beat the kids I guess since my mom been beaten by all her other MEN!..and yet again, me being the only Gurl my mom had given birth to.. this guy chose to molese me and even attempted to rape me at one point in time. I tried to tell my mom of the rape but she did not believe me even when I showed her my proof I had and she confronted him and then kicked me out of the house where then I moved in with foster family after foster family. When i was like 13, a friend of the family raped me and i ended up pregnant, having a baby July 4, 1994 right befor I turned 14. Life as a mother at that age was miserable. Then the "state" came and took my precious baby from me. I had a little boy and named him Alexander Stephon at the time. He has since been adopted and living a happy life (God willing).. I fell in love at the age of 14 and the man was really there for me for 4 years.. living in and out of foster homes he still stuck by myside. That was REAL love. Let me stop skipping around the stories befor SOMEONE gets a little confused. When i was 17, I got to have a choice to either go and live back with my mother who i thought was a changed woman or to continue living in the "system". I chose my mom cos I felt like I needed that motherly love till one day her husband then decided to beat me senceless because I was dating a black man(i'm white). I then went back to a foster home for the next 1 year because when I turned 18 i was then considered an adult and got to leave hell and come to heaven.. so I thought. When I was 18 and got to leave hell, my then boyfriend who I dated for 4 years since I was 14, proposed to me and I had said YES.. not just like that but I said YES.. as a screem.. he and I were just so totally adventerous and decided to celebrate our happiness and my freedom from the government that we would gather some of our closest friends and go bunjee jumping. There were about 20 of us gathered around and all taking turns jumping. Then came my turn ( i was 12 in line).. I was really scared to do it even after watching everyone else do it and then my man being the sweetheart that he is said.. baby it's ok i'll go first just so you see there is nothing to it and everything will be ok. So then I watched him get escorted to the jumping spot and watched as they tied the "rubber rope" to his feet and he extended his arms out and as he jumped yelled "i love youuuuu (my name)" and then the bunjee did not bunjee.. it snapped sending him to his death 300 feet below. I was very shocked and had no idea what was going on from all the shock. Once I snapped out of it all I remember is running over to him and seeing him lay with the rope still tied to his feet and his head in a puddle of his own fresh blood. I could only think but to lift his head up and put it on my lap begging him to wake up and come eat with us (the friends and myself) later in that day. I was crying so much and the cops had to carry me away because i could not walk from all the shock... Such is life of a teenager...

I will give you ages 19 - 25 next time! (my hands hurt from this typing)..

Take care God Bless you!